It’s easy to assume that the end of an abusive relationship means the end of the problems caused by abuse. This may happen for a few people, but it’s not true for everyone!
Your old life doesn’t just snap back into place immediately. You changed, and others changed along with you. – Thomas Fiffer
The lingering effects of abuse, and the extent of the damage that it is caused may only become apparent some time later. You will also find that coping with the abuse has changed your way of interacting with others, lowered your self-esteem and distanced you from those close to you (or, those who were
close to you but no longer are.
If this sounds overwhelming and depressing then remember that recovering is both possible, and worthwhile. You can begin to have the good life you deserve. You might find it helpful to read the excellent article below – and to share it with those close to you, to help them understand that possible reactions after the end of the abuse – and what can be done to help.
The Unspoken Secrets about Life After Abuse by Thomas Fiffer (The Good Men Project)
It’s my fault, it’s always my fault: Self-Blame (traumadissociation.wordpress.com)
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (traumadissociation.com)
Denial: A psychological defense against trauma (traumadissociation.wordpress.com)
If the Abuse is Ongoing (traumadissociation.wordpress.com)
Being male and a survivor (traumadissociation.wordpress.com)
The Misconcepts of Misandry (hatred against men) (rhsroyalreport.wordpress.com)
Signs of being in a pscyhologically abusive relationship (violencehurts.wordpress.com)
This post is not about being a victim or supporting other victims and survivors, it is about a form of narcissicism that involves lying and fabricating events in order to create and maintain a “narcissistic supply” from others.
As with all narcissism, there is no empathy or support for others who are suffering, and a grandiose sense of “competition” ensures that this person will pretend to have the most suffering and worst circumstances of anyone. The purpose of assuming this role is to demand unlimited emotional or other support from others, and to reject any limits and boundaries you may set (for example, your own needs or your family’s needs).
Perhaps, of all types of narcissistic abusers, the “victimized” abuser is the most difficult to get past. Some narcissists learned that they could get attention and control others by being victims. Their lives become one sad story after another and they find listeners and believers and helpers to manipulate. This can be a type of covert narcissism that is very difficult to understand and handle. “Victimized narcissists” are masters at projection, among other behaviors. They can say any hurtful thing to you, but if you dare to say something back, you are labeled as abusive. They can call you any name, but if you challenge them, you are being mean. They can lie about themselves and about you and they sound so honest. And there will almost always be someone who will believe them.
A good explanation of this can be found at:
How do you show appreciation to people who help or support you? Here are 5 examples.
5 Ways We Can Show Our Supporters We Love Them.
People who support survivors of trauma may react in different ways, depending on how secure they are in their own attachment behavior and relationships. This table identifies therapists‘ typical responses to working with Trauma Survivors. Partners, friends or other supportive people may act in some of these ways, which will also depend on their own understanding of trauma.
Countertransference is a term that refers to how your therapist seems to react toward you. If you are currently finding your therapist responding in ways you find difficult, this may be helpful to discuss in a session.
Therapist reactions and responses to the Dependency of people with Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and Dissociative Disorders.
Source: Steele, K., van der Hart, O., & Nijenhuis, E. R. (2001). Dependency in the treatment of complex posttraumatic stress disorder and dissociative disorders. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 2(4), 79-116. http://www.trauma-pages.com/a/steele-2001.php