Why do people believe the lies of child molesters?

Charles Whitfield (2011) researched the defense tactics of accused and convicted child molesters and found that of all the defenses that a child molester has at his/her disposal, the most effective is our collective desire not to know. We all so much want the abuser not to have happened that when an accused person says they didn't do it, it resonates with our own personal hopes and beliefs about the incident.

How Society Enables Child Molesters
Charles Whitfield (2001) researched the defense tactics of accused and convicted child molesters and found that of all the defenses that a child molester has at his disposal, the most effective is our collective desire not to know. We all so much want the abuse not to have happened that when an accused person says they didn’t do it, it resonates with our own personal hopes and beliefs about the incident.

Read more about this research from The Leadership Council’s post

“Society gives the image of sexual violators as weird, ugly, anti-social, alcoholics. Society gives the impression that violators kidnap children are out of their homes and take them to some wooded area and abandon them after the violation. Society gives the impression that everyone hates people who violate children. If all of these myths were true, healing would not be as challenging as it is.
Half of our healing is about the actual abuse. The other half is about how survivors fit into society in the face of the myths that people hold in order to make themselves feel safe. The truth is that 80% of childhood sexual abuse is perpetrated by family members. Yet we rarely hear the word “incest”. The word is too ugly and the truth is too scary. Think about what would happen if we ran a campaign to end incest instead of childhood sexual abuse. The number one place that children should know they are safe is in their homes. As it stands, as long as violators keep sexual abuse within the family, the chances of repercussion by anyone is pretty low. Wives won’t leave violating husbands, mothers won’t kick their violating children out of the home, and violating grandparents still get invited to holiday dinners. It is time to start cleaning house. If we stop incest first, then we will strengthen our cause against all sexual abuse.”
― Rosenna Bakari, Talking Trees facebook page

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Life After Abuse: What No-one Tells You

It’s easy to assume that the end of an abusive relationship means the end of the problems caused by abuse. This may happen for a few people, but it’s not true for everyone!

Life After Abuse: What No-one Tells You. "Your old life doesn't just snap back into place immediately. You changed, and others changed along with you. - Thomas Fiffer, The Good Men Project

Your old life doesn’t just snap back into place immediately. You changed, and others changed along with you. – Thomas Fiffer

The lingering effects of abuse, and the extent of the damage that it is caused may only become apparent some time later. You will also find that coping with the abuse has changed your way of interacting with others, lowered your self-esteem and distanced you from those close to you (or, those who were close to you but no longer are.

If this sounds overwhelming and depressing then remember that recovering is both possible, and worthwhile. You can begin to have the good life you deserve. You might find it helpful to read the excellent article below – and to share it with those close to you, to help them understand that possible reactions after the end of the abuse – and what can be done to help.

    The Unspoken Secrets about Life After Abuse by Thomas Fiffer (The Good Men Project)

Related Links

It’s my fault, it’s always my fault: Self-Blame (traumadissociation.wordpress.com)
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (traumadissociation.com)
Denial: A psychological defense against trauma (traumadissociation.wordpress.com)
If the Abuse is Ongoing (traumadissociation.wordpress.com)
Being male and a survivor (traumadissociation.wordpress.com)
The Misconcepts of Misandry (hatred against men) (rhsroyalreport.wordpress.com)
Signs of being in a pscyhologically abusive relationship (violencehurts.wordpress.com)

Being male and a survivor

Being male and a survivor


My Continuing Journey

Being a male and a survivor, it’s one of the hardest things you can ever be. People think that as a man you’re strong enough to let it roll of your back and get on with your life. It’s not as easy as this.

When I first disclosed I knew that I would have a fight, fight to be believed, fight to be accepted and fight for the help I need. Yes, I still need help with the depression. With learning how to trust and love again. This is still so hard.

People don’t understand the effect abuse has on a persons life. It destroys hope, it destroys trust. The main effect on me has been to destroy my school life. I used to sit and look in to space wishing my life away.

Even today I feel let down by a system that doesn’t ask the right questions. A…

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Safety and Privacy Tips for survivors of abuse: Facebook and social networking

Tips for Improving Safety and Privacy on Social Networking

1. Review and limit your public information

Do you need to put your location in? Who would use it?
Should your date or birth be private?
Should your previous jobs and education be removed, if you only want to talk in support groups or keep track the news then you don’t need to include these.
Do your photos show private  information to the world, such as your new car’s license plate, the outside of your house or what your children look like? If you moved house years ago perhaps these can be deleted now.

2. Review your “friends list” or “followers”

Consider un-friending or blocking anyone whose posts are disturbing… perhaps an old friend is posting “jokes” which make you uncomfortable, or maybe you accepted a friend request from someone with the same name as someone you knew and they turned out to be someone different. Remember you can usually still exchange messages with those on your friends list, especially if you are in the same groups or communities.
Some people have a lot of friends who they rarely connect with – how about asking people to comment if they want to stay on your friends list? Those reading your posts will be able to reply, and you will have a good idea who doesn’t really read your messages anyway.

3. Does your name give out more information that it needs to?

Some people add their professional titles to their name but don’t use the account for work, or include initials or nicknames to make themselves easier to find. If you’ve already connected with those you know personally then maybe it’s time to change this setting, and go back to being one of thousands with the same name.

4. Check your privacy settings

Privacy and security options change regularly. Look for the settings and see how they are set right now. It’s not a good idea for all your messages or posts to be “public” and if you are using facebook look for  “Who can see my stuff?” then Limit the audience for posts I’ve shared.

5. Choose a “strong” password or turn on “notifications”

Try your password here to check how easy it is for a hacker to access your account. Think about whether your password is saved on any mobile devices, and if the risk of theft (or loss) would give another person access too your information.

6. Difficult dates – a time to avoid social networking and email?

Trauma survivors often have particular dates when they are more likely to be vulnerable and more easily triggered, or when abusive people are likely to try to get in touch. Some examples might be around national holidays or Christmas, your birthday, or the anniversary of a major trauma. Give yourself permission to avoid things that may trigger you at this time, or simply avoid the computer altogether.

7. Ritual abuse survivors: an extra consideration

Abusive groups and abusive people are known to use social networking to “trigger” survivors. If you may have been subject to ritual abuse and have DID then the information you share online could be used to target specific identities in order to get you back in touch with your original abusers. Be very, very careful about what you share and do not be afraid to delete things shared in the past to prevent people building up a “picture” of your DID system. If you are sharing something about yourself, ask yourself WHY you are sharing, and IF you can be more vague and limit the details.
For example – talking about your emotions or how to handle triggers generally could avoid you describing a specific situation and a specific trigger.

8. Boundaries – setting and keeping boundaries are part of healthy relationships

You can decide how much to tell someone, you do not need to share the same amount of detail back to someone that they have shared with you. If you feel under pressure to tell someone detailed information you can “step back” and explain you don’t feel comfortable sharing those details right now. If you feel another person is sharing too much with you then you can suggest both of you share less detail, and explain why. It is not helpful if you accidentally trigger each other.

If you have dissociative identity disorder see if you can agree boundaries with the other identities – especially the younger ones – and consider what information is best shared in person, or by telephone rather than electronically. With DID sometimes an alter may try to keep secrets by punishing another alter for telling too much, for example self harming your body, so there are internal safety concerns as well. Safer places to share delicate information may be in your own journal, during therapy or in the form of art work rather than writing.

quote from Safe Passage to Healing

Facebook Privacy and Safety Guide

The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) are a member of Facebook’s Safety Advisory Board, and have produced this guide to address privacy on Facebook and also provides safety tips and options in the event that someone is misusing the site to harass, monitor, threaten, or stalk. Many of the points in the booklet are relevant to twitter, google plus, tumblr, instagram or other social networking websites.

The guide is aimed at helping survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking control their safety and privacy to help prevent misuse of facebook by abusers, stalkers, and perpetrators to stalk and harass.

Download, read or print the NNEDV Facebook privacy and safety guide


Maximising Personal Safety: Email

Trust your Instinct

The hardest part of dealing with frightening e-mail is refusing to read it. The rest is common sense and a little technical knowledge.
Jeanne Riseman, ritual abuse survivor, ©2013, Survivorship.org 

Read more http://survivorship.org/maximizing-personal-safety/