In A Choke Hold

When the desire to heal is disrupted: two steps forward and two steps back

Jack Pilgrim's Ghost

There’s a choke hold going on. That’s what’s happening, or at least in the closest language I can come to what’s happening in my head and with my crazy. A choke hold. Stopping me from communicating or being a verb.

In the past when I got too close in therapy or seemed to making any progress at all, something medical would wipe me out or in some way pull my attention away from whatever that was. I’d get laryngitis. I’d get crippling headaches. I’d get horrific nauseating vertigo. I’d get some mystery throat illness that swelled the lymph nodes in my neck to softballs. I’d get throat aches so bad I couldn’t swallow, face and mandible pain so bad I couldn’t swallow, and both of those things caused me to sit for hours spitting in a rag instead. Anything to get me off track.

But I’ve felt a-hold of by…

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